ORM.

Recently I've been reevaluating the word "friends" and the actual people whom I call such. And by recently, I mean today.
First I started categorizing them, but then I realized I was categorizing certain types of people, and now I'm sort of at a loss.
School wise, I can't manage to keep a really close friend for much more than a year. I'm definitely not at a lack of friends, honestly I need about two hands to name off all of my closest ones, but none of them go to my school.
This entire concept for me is exponentially depressing. And I say that because when I thought about it last week it was saddening, and now I'm thinking of it again and it's quite worse, so you get the picture. My goal now though, is to not have to think about it again, because I want to mend it.

Oy. I'm getting there.

Okay. I was going to continue on with something else, but I can't. I physically and mentally and emotionally cannot stop myself from talking about Olivia right now.
It's not just that I miss her as a friend, it's that being someone she dislikes is more than a punishment. If it was almost anyone else I wasn't on speaking terms with it'd be different, it wouldn't feel like we were enemies. With Olivia now, I look at her and I can feel how badly she doesn't want me where she is. and that hurts so much. And we're stupid together. Really, we are. I went through so fucking much freshman year with her and then to get to even speak to her sophmore year, after 7 to 8 months of her despising me, was ridiculous and bittersweet. And after thinking we'd never even talk again for the majority of that year, and then becoming friends again, and now it's fucking done again. And I'm not even writing complete sentences because I can't even fathom them right now, I'm so upset over this. I AM SO UPSET. I think it just really got to me today because we happened to make eye contact in the hall today and briskly walk past each other, exactly like we would do if we didn't know someone. And now every thing we've ever done together is coming back to me, in the 7th grade when we had water and pasta fights at her house and I have this huge birthday card she gave me on my 13th birthday that she woke up me up for school with while hitting me in the head with it. It's been tacked to my bedroom wall since our huge fight two years ago, because I missed her then, so I guess it's fitting that it's still there and I miss her now.
And you know what? She's not the best of friends. At all. At least not to me. At least not most of the time. But I love her. I love her a lot. I hope she knows that.

I don't even think I'll get through reading any of that, so kudos if anyone even glanced at it, and I'm sorry, because that's not fun at all.