Before 2009.

You wanted to know why I cried when you told me?
Because I saw myself being told you had gone through with it and hearing of your death. Because I saw myself crying at your funeral. Because I couldn't see myself going through the rest of the year without you. Because I couldn't see myself getting through it at all.
I cried because you were my best friend, the best one I had ever had, and you didn't let on. You didn't ask for help, cry for help, subtly suggest that you wanted or needed help, or hinted at it in any way. You didn't imply that you had ever attempted, not once, not twice, but three times, and you definitely didn't let me suspect it.
Did you think about anyone else before you tried? The first time? Maybe the second, perhaps the third? Did you think of your little brothers peering over your parent's shoulders to see you lying on the bathroom floor, motionless? Did you wonder what life would be like for the rest of your family without you, the impact your actions would have made on them? Did you write a note, maybe two?
Did you think of me, even for a second? Did you wonder how I would take the news? If I would break down and cry or be too paralyzed with shock? If I would take a break from school and from people and from the outside world completley? If I would become depressed myself?
Because I would have. Because it's hard not too now, even though your attempts failed and you're still here, and even though we're not as close as we were then, not best friends anymore. Which I hate. It's hard even now, even after hearing how you failed each and every time, and how you're perfectly healthy now, it's hard even now not to be angry and sad and feel completley demolished inside.
I won't take for granted our amazing friendship, even if the best parts of it have already passed. I am grateful to you and to whatever forces have kept you here with me, grateful that even if I don't see you often I know you're there, grateful that I never had to go to my best friend's funeral, grateful that your parents didn't have to bury their only daughter.
I love you so much I can't put it into words.
In so many ways, you have saved me. And I'm trying to be alright with the fact that you wouldn't let me help save you.
As long as you're here.