Promises & Threats

I almost started crying tonight watching Jeff Connoway talk about his abusive past on Celebrity Rehab. I rarely every cry from movies or television. In fact, The Notebook, Atonement, Garden State, none of them have ever prompted me to shed a tear, I've only ever come close. And tonight, watching one of my former childhood loves (Kanicki from Grease) talk about why he's in the situation he is today, I started tearing.
And every week, watching this show, I'm constantly reminded of how privileged I am, and how grateful I should be, and my feeling of gratitude is certainly growing stronger and stronger. It's bittersweet for me though, because I feel so bad about myself realizing how ungrateful I can be at times, and it makes me really sad to come to terms with that. But now that I'm taking it upon myself to to strengthen certain aspects and ingrain things I find important in my personality, I think I'll be less self conscious about it.

Other than watching television for the past G-d knows how long, I've been religiously surfing grouphug.us. Nicole was the angel who presented this website to me, and I think it's safe to say I'm thoroughly addicted. I really can't say why it's so appealing to read other peoples secrets. Postsecret, grouphug, livejournal, there's all these options now to submit and read things any random person thinks, and it's touching, it's funny, it's heart breaking, it's life changing, it's everything. Really, I think I have experienced a cornucopia of human emotions in just the past hour reading these things.

What do you feel when you read this one?
"I still love him, despite the fact that all my friends, psychologist, and psychiatrist tell me he’s bad for me. I miss him more than anything in the world right now.

He claims that we won’t be able to get along until I can accept that he’ll step on me. We’ve been apart for a while now. I know he’s emotionally abusive, though unintentionally.

However, I still love him with all my heart, and losing him tears me up so badly."

And this one?

"once I pulled over to the side of the road and beat it into a jack in the box cup"


Or this one?

"I’m 27 and I stumbled on to this site. Reading all these confessions made me realize how normal a child I really was. I am a happy mother of 3. Very much in love with my husband and my whole life kicks ass. When I was a teenager I sounded exactly like everyone of these confessions. I slept with like 30 guys by the time i was 15 to make my self feel wanted and I did drugs and even tried to kill my self. I want everyone to know life has been like a cirlcle. I think it gets so rough so you can appreciate how fullfilling life can become. Embrace how empty you feel and one day it will only allow you to feel exstatically complete. Promise."

&

"Ok, I chickened out! I am more than fond of you, I love you"

I don't know if they're real, and frankly I don't care. The spelling errors don't even bother me that much, and that really means something, considering I'm an English freak. And it's not just the whole "now I know I'm not the only one who feels this way" thing, because I don't plan on ever pulling over to the side of the road beating it into a Jack in the Box cup. Forgive me for that reference, I know that's not quite anatomically possible. I think I like these sites just because of the contrast, the beauty they portray and the despair they portray and the vast variety of emotions experienced just by reading all of them at once.

Okay. Kissing Kate Barlow is calling my name.

That's Stupid.

I had an off day today.
After distributing the papes, (Newsies has my heart) I just felt like I could have continued trudging on through the barely-muddy mud on the ground in my boots for the rest of the day, and boy would I have enjoyed it. I felt strangely liberated, in control even, simply because I was alone in the middle of the day walking through the halls, and it was quiet, and it was serene, and it definitely would have been epiphany inducing had I continued trekking. Unfortunately though, the walk from the F building to the journalism room isn't that long. Boo for following rules.
The fact that I just marveled over walking around school for ten minutes strikes me as silly all of a sudden. I suppose maybe it's not just the simple things that get me then, its the really simple things, so simple in fact that they're almost embarrassing. Oh well.
The rest of my day though, was mostly a downer. I find that I can't maintain even 3 emotions throughout the day, though I'm not sure whether that's because I can't seem to stay upset for long, especially around people, or if it's just because I forget I'm even upset.
If it's the latter I'm pretty sure there's a problem.
So I'm concluding that today's emotions were as follows;
1) tired (It so is an emotion, by the way. especially when it encompasses you.)
2) hopeful/optimistic
3) really really disappointed/angry
4) optimistic again
5) indifferent
6) tired, again.

So maybe some of them are more moods, but same difference.

And lately I've been noticing more and more couples at school. But not just cause they're macking all over the place or an inch away from conceiving a child, actually I've been noticing particular couples because they look so, coupley.
That's stupid.
I mean all of a sudden I'm really seeing guys that genuinely feel for their girlfriends, and sometimes I don't even know these people, I can just tell by the way he holds her face when he kisses her or how he walks back to give her another hug after already saying their goodbyes for 5 minutes.
I obviously need to get a new contact prescription and stop reading romance novels.